My friend Cindy, who has adopted 38 children from the foster care system, asked if she could reprint the last blog entry regarding my feelings about the current state of the foster care system. She has had several comments about that, one especially moving from her daughter Yolie and as I was planning on expanding the thougths anyway, now seems to be a good time.
In changing the foster care/adoption system, here are a few more of my thoughts/ideas:
Instead of adoption, allow children that cannot return home to stay in long term, "permanent" (meaning no moving from foster home to foster home) foster care until they reach adulthood. Allow the child to retain their name and identity and possible phone/letter contact with birth families if this is appropriate. My vision is basically what I am doing now with a few twists- my kids wouldnt have to consider me and my husband their "mom" and "dad" but instead two people who love them and want to protect them. As a "long term" foster parent it would be my GOAL to keep them until they could either return home or get out on their own, and if it is the latter, we continue to help and guide them for the rest of their lives if this is what they want. I think if it appears that a child cannot return home by their teen years that the option then be given to them if they want the long term foster parent to adopt them. Then it becomes the child's choice and not something being forced upon them. This is where I see Yolie's situation and a few of our older children's situation falling in line. Our second oldest adopted daughter has no desire to return to her birth family and is completely bonded and loyal to us. Yet with all that, she completely agrees with what I have posted. She thinks this would have made her youth easier (she is a young woman now). These kids (4 in particular- 2 of whom have caused us great pain) are extremely thankful for the fact that they did not have to grow up in the nightmare they were living in but they still love their parents and have every intent of returning to atleast tell them they love them and forgive them.
Another difference in this system would be that foster parents would have an out if need be. For children that are violent to other children or the parents, there needs to be a recourse for the parents other than being charged with abandonment by the social services system if a child is brought to either them or the justice system (we have first hand experience with this).
Third, long term foster parents should be highly screened, highly trained and well paid. Children coming from this kind of background are very destructive, they steal, they need lots of expensive therapies, interventions and even medications. Also, the long term foster relationship doesnt stop at 18, most of these kids need the help of the family until well into their young adulthood, in the case of mental retardation, forever.
Finally, respite is a huge need. I feel like I am on a sinking, exhausted ship most of the time but I cannot risk my RAD kids making up lies about us or stealing from friends if I were to ask someone to just take them for a little while..
Anyway, these are just some more of my thoughts on this issue. I welcome yours...
