My friend Cindy, who has adopted 38 children from the foster care system, asked if she could reprint the last blog entry regarding my feelings about the current state of the foster care system. She has had several comments about that, one especially moving from her daughter Yolie and as I was planning on expanding the thougths anyway, now seems to be a good time.
In changing the foster care/adoption system, here are a few more of my thoughts/ideas:
Instead of adoption, allow children that cannot return home to stay in long term, "permanent" (meaning no moving from foster home to foster home) foster care until they reach adulthood. Allow the child to retain their name and identity and possible phone/letter contact with birth families if this is appropriate. My vision is basically what I am doing now with a few twists- my kids wouldnt have to consider me and my husband their "mom" and "dad" but instead two people who love them and want to protect them. As a "long term" foster parent it would be my GOAL to keep them until they could either return home or get out on their own, and if it is the latter, we continue to help and guide them for the rest of their lives if this is what they want. I think if it appears that a child cannot return home by their teen years that the option then be given to them if they want the long term foster parent to adopt them. Then it becomes the child's choice and not something being forced upon them. This is where I see Yolie's situation and a few of our older children's situation falling in line. Our second oldest adopted daughter has no desire to return to her birth family and is completely bonded and loyal to us. Yet with all that, she completely agrees with what I have posted. She thinks this would have made her youth easier (she is a young woman now). These kids (4 in particular- 2 of whom have caused us great pain) are extremely thankful for the fact that they did not have to grow up in the nightmare they were living in but they still love their parents and have every intent of returning to atleast tell them they love them and forgive them.
Another difference in this system would be that foster parents would have an out if need be. For children that are violent to other children or the parents, there needs to be a recourse for the parents other than being charged with abandonment by the social services system if a child is brought to either them or the justice system (we have first hand experience with this).
Third, long term foster parents should be highly screened, highly trained and well paid. Children coming from this kind of background are very destructive, they steal, they need lots of expensive therapies, interventions and even medications. Also, the long term foster relationship doesnt stop at 18, most of these kids need the help of the family until well into their young adulthood, in the case of mental retardation, forever.
Finally, respite is a huge need. I feel like I am on a sinking, exhausted ship most of the time but I cannot risk my RAD kids making up lies about us or stealing from friends if I were to ask someone to just take them for a little while..
Anyway, these are just some more of my thoughts on this issue. I welcome yours...
Monday, September 14, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Foster Care and Adoption
My husband and I have adopted 14 children from state foster care (in addition to the 5 biological children we have). We began adopting over 13 years ago. Because of this decision we have had many heartbreaks and many challenges. We have had social services turn on us and investigate us because of things the children have done and then tried to blame on us by lying. We have had to remove children because of extremely harmful behavior. After living with these children and their heartache, we had come to realize a few things about the foster/adoption system in this country-mainly it doesn't work.
Here are my thoughts on this:
1. Children are removed far too much. Many of the children in my home were removed because their parents were drug addicts and bad/neglectful parents but they were not physically harming the children. They should have been left alone. The parents should have been prosecuted for the drugs but other that the kids should have remained. Yes, their lives would have been hard and they would probably pick up some really bad habits. However, no where is there a guarantee against bad parents (aren't we all from time to time). These kids fared worse being pulled out and then at an older age expected to assume a whole new identity and be happy about it. If you were taken from your home and put in another one and then were told this is your new family and that you had to like it- would you? No, you would rebel which is what all these kids have done. Further, after having been put through the social services nightmare and realizing that the only way we could win was by hiring a big, bully lawyer we understand how these parents get their kids taken, even if they try to clean up their act. If you don't have money to fight them, you cannot win once they have it in their heads to destroy you. Social services answers to no-one and they are way too powerful.
2. If a child is physicallly being harmed, remove them to a safe place (ie foster care) and allow them to remain until the situation is no longer harmful or until they reach adulthood. Do not expect them to take on a new identity-even if they are very young. Dont expect them to call you Mom and Dad but let them understand that you are protecting them until such time as they can hopefully return home. In addition, the parents must be prosecuted and jailed if they are harming their child. This will send a message to others that harming a child is a crime!!
3. In the best situation, the church and community should step in to care for children being harmed so a child does not have to move from their own geographical location.
4. The only children who should be adopted are true orphans - children who have been either abandoned by their biological parents or whose parents have died and there is no extended family who can take them in.
These are of course my opinions, however, almost all adoptive families I know are living lives of extreme difficulty because they tried to help a child, usually a child that just wanted to stay with their own families, despite the parents bad behavior. The system is broken and children and the families that attempt to help them continue to be damaged because of it. Their is so much more to write about this subject and i hope to do so in the future...
Here are my thoughts on this:
1. Children are removed far too much. Many of the children in my home were removed because their parents were drug addicts and bad/neglectful parents but they were not physically harming the children. They should have been left alone. The parents should have been prosecuted for the drugs but other that the kids should have remained. Yes, their lives would have been hard and they would probably pick up some really bad habits. However, no where is there a guarantee against bad parents (aren't we all from time to time). These kids fared worse being pulled out and then at an older age expected to assume a whole new identity and be happy about it. If you were taken from your home and put in another one and then were told this is your new family and that you had to like it- would you? No, you would rebel which is what all these kids have done. Further, after having been put through the social services nightmare and realizing that the only way we could win was by hiring a big, bully lawyer we understand how these parents get their kids taken, even if they try to clean up their act. If you don't have money to fight them, you cannot win once they have it in their heads to destroy you. Social services answers to no-one and they are way too powerful.
2. If a child is physicallly being harmed, remove them to a safe place (ie foster care) and allow them to remain until the situation is no longer harmful or until they reach adulthood. Do not expect them to take on a new identity-even if they are very young. Dont expect them to call you Mom and Dad but let them understand that you are protecting them until such time as they can hopefully return home. In addition, the parents must be prosecuted and jailed if they are harming their child. This will send a message to others that harming a child is a crime!!
3. In the best situation, the church and community should step in to care for children being harmed so a child does not have to move from their own geographical location.
4. The only children who should be adopted are true orphans - children who have been either abandoned by their biological parents or whose parents have died and there is no extended family who can take them in.
These are of course my opinions, however, almost all adoptive families I know are living lives of extreme difficulty because they tried to help a child, usually a child that just wanted to stay with their own families, despite the parents bad behavior. The system is broken and children and the families that attempt to help them continue to be damaged because of it. Their is so much more to write about this subject and i hope to do so in the future...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Food, Inc.
Last night Steve and I went to see Food, Inc. I wish more people knew about this movie. Its striking that only a handful of companies in this country control all of the main food supply-the food supply that is causing mass cancer and diabetes rates. It is my contention that about 75% of the diseases plaguing this country would go away if everyone quit eating all of the processed "food" on the supermarket shelves. We try to eat things as close to the way God created them as possible. This means we cook a lot. For today's menu that means :
1. Toast for breakfast -I made bread yesterday with wheat berries I ground, raw honey, grapeseed oil (I hope to produce enough lard or butter next year to eliminate the oil) salt, yeast, water and a dough enhancer (want to find a way to replace this too). On the toast we had real butter and cinnamon sugar made with natural sugar cane and cinnamon.
2. Egg salad sandwiches and popcorn for lunch - again bread from yesterday (I made 10 loaves), eggs, organic mayonnaise (havent found a good recipe for homemade yet-want to subsitute salad dressing made with milk, homemade sour cream and fresh herbs in the future), salt and popcorn made with popcorn kernels and lard.
3. Spaghetti, Italian bread and salad for dinner - homemade pasta made with flour, eggs and salt, homemade spaghetti sauce made with our meat, tomatoes, homemade tomato paste, fresh herbs, sugar and salt and salad from our garden.
For those wanting to get healthy and change the way the food is made in this country buy voting with their fork, here are our basic rules:
1. Don't buy anything in a box or package (that means all the middle aisles of the grocery store pretty much).
2. Read labels -if you dont know what it is, it isnt a food (this includes hygiene products as well).
3. If something that should be refrigerated isnt its so full of chemicals you dont want it in your body.
4. Dont buy meat, eggs or dairy from the grocery store-its produced from CAFO's who load their animals full of antibiotics, growth hormones and all sorts of other nasty stuff. Find a local supplier through local harvest, real milk or other sites promoting local growers.
5. Cook real food, with recipes, from scratch.
6. Try to find a local whole foods coop if you can.
Off my soap box for now...
1. Toast for breakfast -I made bread yesterday with wheat berries I ground, raw honey, grapeseed oil (I hope to produce enough lard or butter next year to eliminate the oil) salt, yeast, water and a dough enhancer (want to find a way to replace this too). On the toast we had real butter and cinnamon sugar made with natural sugar cane and cinnamon.
2. Egg salad sandwiches and popcorn for lunch - again bread from yesterday (I made 10 loaves), eggs, organic mayonnaise (havent found a good recipe for homemade yet-want to subsitute salad dressing made with milk, homemade sour cream and fresh herbs in the future), salt and popcorn made with popcorn kernels and lard.
3. Spaghetti, Italian bread and salad for dinner - homemade pasta made with flour, eggs and salt, homemade spaghetti sauce made with our meat, tomatoes, homemade tomato paste, fresh herbs, sugar and salt and salad from our garden.
For those wanting to get healthy and change the way the food is made in this country buy voting with their fork, here are our basic rules:
1. Don't buy anything in a box or package (that means all the middle aisles of the grocery store pretty much).
2. Read labels -if you dont know what it is, it isnt a food (this includes hygiene products as well).
3. If something that should be refrigerated isnt its so full of chemicals you dont want it in your body.
4. Dont buy meat, eggs or dairy from the grocery store-its produced from CAFO's who load their animals full of antibiotics, growth hormones and all sorts of other nasty stuff. Find a local supplier through local harvest, real milk or other sites promoting local growers.
5. Cook real food, with recipes, from scratch.
6. Try to find a local whole foods coop if you can.
Off my soap box for now...
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